The legitimate use of biological warfare

My @Quora answer to What kinds of foods can one eat to have very odoriferous flatulence and bowel movements?

Oooo! Right up my alley! Biological warfare!

I actually used this to cure a problem with a rude roommate (Mark *mumble*) in the Navy.

I was an E-4 at the time (petty officer third class).

My second roommate at my first duty station moved in about a year after I did and started dating the stripe lizards* from the strip off base. After a month or so he started sneaking them into our barracks room to “get busy with them.” I objected a couple of times on the grounds that this was against regulation and could easily send him to a Captains Mast if reported.  I was told to “go fuck yourself.” I replied that I wasn’t going to report him but that he was going to lose this argument. He replied “Oh yea?! Prove it sandcrab.”

Challenge… Accepted.

*We called them stripe lizards because the would seduce a guy, get pregnant “by mistake,” dump the guy, and then petition the base command for child support from the service mans’ wages. Several gals had 3 or 4 kids this way.

Now, in some ways the culture in the Navy is very similar to the culture in jails and prisons…  that is that snitches are at the bottom of the social pile. In addition I liked this guy in most other ways and didn’t want to see him lose a stripe or worse. I simply wanted to be able to sleep in peace.

So, one fine evening I dined at about 11:30 pm, on 3 hard boiled eggs, with liberal applications of Crystal hot sauce, half a jar of medium hot KimChee, and topped it all off with a six pack of Anchor Steam Stout… and waited… not very long. I’d also left the evidence of my deed out so that they’d at least have fair warning and a reasonable chance to run for it.

Mark and his gal showed up about midnight. I was in bed reading and the “fun” hadn’t quite started yet, though there were indications that things were about to get very interesting, fairly quickly.

They got started, I put on my headphones and rolled over on my rack to face the wall, thus aiming my soon to be discharged weapon directly at them. I continued reading.

The first charge ignited and it was roughly like a 4# cannon firing a blank charge.  Windows were open and thus undamaged, and the door rattled in its frame.

The girl squeeled, he grunted something about “Knock that off!”… About 3 min. later the second round went off. Since I was under the covers the smell hadn’t hit yet.

After the third round had fired I excused myself “to go to the head” (rest room), and made a point of fluffing my covers a bit more than strictly necessary on my way out. When I returned about 5 min later, they were gone.

I didn’t see him until the next evening, but word of my exploits had gotten out which I hear about at great length while playing pool in the day room. I had to correct a few misconceptions. One of those was that I’d somehow gotten my hands on a bottle of sulfur dioxide gas and gassed them with it. (I was “known” for having good connections in the supply depot). I explained what really happened and how and why to my mates. They doubted it could have been as bad as I described but I had a spare round or two left, and showed them.
After that my nickname was “The Enforcer” because I’d managed to “elegantly,” and with great humor, resolve a problem many Navy men have faced without resorting to “ratting anyone out.” A few tried to name me “Booger” (a reference to the movie Animal House) but fortunately for me that didn’t stick.

Later that evening in our room the roomie tried to get in my face about it but I just pointed to the trash I was taking out, smirked, and said “You had fair warning, it’s not like I hid anything from you.” I also told him that I was perfectly willing to continue my nefarious experiments. He agreed that I had offered fair warning and asked for a Truce; which I granted subject to his future good behavior.